It’s over.

Again. Failed pregnancy #3.

HCG numbers did even double in 4 days, and both ultrasounds showed no signs of life. The really crappy part of all of this is I have to stay on all medications so I do not begin the miscarriage while I am away. When I come back I will have a final ultrasound, if I haven’t already begun the m/c, then stop all medications and let the m/c happen on it’s own. Again.

As painful as this is, my husband and I have made some decisions around the future of our next IVF cycle.

1. We are changing doctors. The one we have now is really friendly, but he is more conversational than informational.
2. We are going to regulate where we get the blood test. Right now we have to drive 30 miles for quick 5 minute blood test is ridiculous.
3. If we get pregnant again, the only way we are going to find out is via a pee stick test. We are then going to wait 9 to 10 weeks before we go in and do any tests like blood work and u/s. All of the emotions and anxiety of all of these test are heart wrenching. And the reality of it all is that there isn’t a DAMN thing anyone can do about anything anyway. If the HCG rises slow or fast, it the embryo is big or little, if there is one or two it doesn’t change the outcome. So screw it! I am going to try to make the pregnancy as normal as possible. When regular people get pregnancy, they POAS and then there are no tests done until almost the end of the first trimester. I rather live blissfully ignorant than stressed out for weeks on end which can’t be good for me or any baby growing inside of me. You all might thing I am a damn fool, but for my mental health, this is what our plan is for next time. Hopefully there will be a next time.

Damn that Fat Lady to Hell

You know the saying, it's not over until the fat lady sings? Well, let's just say she's clearing her throat. The u/s didn't reveal an ectopic pregnency which is good, but the it didn't reveal anything worth getting excited about. The sac was too small for this stage of pregnancy. The doc said to come back in on Friday for one more u/s to see if there is a visibile heart beat. If not, then they will send me to a clinic down the street for an advacted u/s to verify the findings. Once that is done, then all medication is to be stopped and then I get to wait for the mc.

I can't belive this is happening again. This will be my 3rd mc. I can hardly bear the thought of it. It just hurts so bad.

by the numbers

So here is the deal on the beta numbers:

13dp3dt - 66
17dp3dt - 162 (doubling every 74 hours)
20dp3dt - 486 (doubling every 48 hours)
22dp3dt - 802 (doubling every 66 hours)

So still low and slow rising. The bummer is that I think I am feeling twinges every now and then in the right ovary area. Could it be ectopic? On top of that, I am leaving on Memorial Day for 10 days to travel to UK and Hong Kong for work. Then as soon as I get back, I am going on vacation to Colorado. I would hate to in another country if an emergency shows up. I am going to ask my doc to give me an u/s before I leave to see if anything can be seen good or bad. I don't know if it is too early or not to see anything, but I want to try.

I also found out that my biological sister is pregnant.
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Update: I got in touch with my doctor, and he wants to see me first thing tomorrow for bloodwork and an ultrasound. I am 6 weeks tomorrow, so he is hoping to see something at this point that can tell me if there is a problem or not.

Not doubling

My numbers came back from my second blood test and things are not looking good. The double rate is happening every 3 days not every 2 days. My current beta for 17dp3dt is 162. The nurse told me that the numbers are not great, but to check again on Friday to see if anything gets better. The spotting is still the same and she told me to continue to take it easy for the next few days. I am feeling the despair setting in. I am still emotionally very unstable from the last miscarriage. Having another one so close to the last one is almost more than I can bear. I am not even optimistic on this one. I just don’t want to let myself feel anything about this. The loss is just too painful. Maybe if I keep my emotions out of it, it won’t hurt so much, but so far, it’s not working.

Still Brown

Nothing has changed. I am still seeing brown mucus. I did get my blood result numbers and at 13dp3dt my number was 56. I think this is REALLY low, but we'll see what Monday's test brings. Hopefully a massive elevation in the numbers. Otherwise, I am feeling a little less stressed about the brown mucas thanks to all of my IF blogland sisters.

Work is sending me around the world (at least the northern hemisphere). I'll be gone for 10 days to UK and Hong Kong. Since I will not be able to go with my husband, I'll have to give myself progesterone shots in the rump. I tried the other day, not easy, but I think I can manage for 10 days.

In other news, it's Mother's Day, and I am not sure how I feel about it. I am glad to be pregnant for now, but lurking in the back of my mind it the fear that it's not gonna happen, just like last time. I willl call each of my mothers today (mom, step mom, and bio mom). Better get started.

Brown

Brown is not a good color. I am starting to spot and I am having period cramping. How can it be hopeful one minute and hopeless the next. I am so sad. So very painfully sad.

Positive EPT

I went and got an EPT yesterday and tested this morning. I was so scared to see a "Not Pregnant" flash on the little bitty screen that would seal this cycles fate. But the news was hopeful. The little screen showed "Pregnant". I sure hope these things are right. I go in on Thursday for blood work to get the real story, but my spirits are lifted. For now.

Fear is setting in

I am 5 days away from finding out if my second implatation cycle was successful. I keep reading about the bad luck that seems to be plaguing IF land, and I have the sinking feeling that it may not be over. I have been having some period like cramping and moodiness - feels like PMS. The only thing positive is that I have been having some faintness which is what I had last time I was pregnant. Wishful thinking?

I think that I am going to get a pee stick before my beta test to find out if this worked or not. I really want to know if this worked or not. I don't know if I can wait til Thursday.

Sunday was my 12th wedding anniversary, but since I was on bed rest for most of the weekend we didn't do anything (except D sent me flowers at work - awwww). So he surprised me on Wednesday with a fancy dinner out to a great Seattle steakhouse. It was soooo yummy. I could never be a vegitarian for one reason and one reason only, I love a good beef tenderlion.

On a sadder note, I want to share my sadness and condolences for Jenny. I just read her blog tonight, and the news isn't good. My heart is breaking for you Jenny.