12 weeks

Today I am 12 weeks. I saw an OB for the first time ever. Here is our conversation:

Dr: How are you, my name is xxxxxxx.
Me: Hi. Nice to meet you.
Dr: I've reviewed your chart, and normally I don't do this, but I'll bet you want to start with the u/s.
Me: YES (I was very emphatic here)
Dr: lay back and pull your shirt up.
Me: Really? I get the external scan?
Dr: Yes... There's the heartbeat.
Me: (silently crying with joy)

The little bugger was moving around again. We even got a little tiny wave and the doc snapped a photo of the little hand and it's fingers.

I have another u/s on Friday. This is part of a very detailed genetic screening test. They are doing a non-invasive check to see if there are any indicators of Tay-sachs or Downs based on their findings. I am hoping for a good set of data. I am not sure I am up for a risky anmio. The last thing I want to do is give nature any reason to not complete this pregnancy at 40 weeks.

Last night, my husband and I got stuck in a hotel unexpectedly. The Seattle area never gets snow, but we got snow, rain, sleet and freezing temp yesterday. It took me 40 minutes to drive over and get him on what normally is a 4 minute drive. Damn that rear wheel drive. There were jack-knifed busses and cars everywhere. We live in the foothills which we already knew was a mess so we decided to stay in the hotel across the street from work. The room was small and the bed sucked. We barely slept. However, my husband did have a dream. He told me in the morning that he dreamt about the baby's birth. The baby came out talking and said "hi mommy. hi daddy". Isn't that the sweetest?

Nothing good can come...

...from the second ultrasound. I have never had a good sencond ultrasound, and nothing was different about this one either. Every single time I have had the 10 week u/s, there are dead babies. I was scared out of my mind going into this. Well, today was no different. After finally getting my head around that fact that there were going to be two babies and getting excited about it. After starting to show a little bit of a pregnant belly. After starting to share with a few people about it. The dream became the nightmare. Again. One of the twins was dead. It must have just happened. It looked almost normal except no heart beat. No nothing. Miscarriage #5. I am totally freaked out. Will the other die too? What did I do? Was it because I ate peanuts the other day on the plane? My husband is allergic to them, maybe the baby was too and I killed it. This just can't keep being genetic. The odds of that are unrealistic. Is my body poison to babies?

The other baby seems fine, strong heart beat, we even saw it doing a little wiggle dance, but is it just a matter of time or will this be for real? They want me back for another u/s in a week. I dread every second of it. Will it mean seeing another dead baby?